I have (admittedly) never been the type of person who handles stress well. I have a habit of letting things get to me. Consume me. Take over my life. All of my tension goes directly to my neck and shoulders and manifests itself in the form of stress knots which are the size of Texas.
Lately the level of anxiety that I have experiencing has risen. No matter what I task I am involved in or what I am taking on, I feel extreme tension the entire time. Consciously, I realize that this behavior is not healthy, and yet I cannot seem to rid myself of these feelings.
I have been trying to focus on my breathing and calming myself down, but to no avail. It also doesn't help that this morning I received horrible news regarding an outstanding bill that D neglected to pay from his rental where he stayed after we separated. Even though I was not on the bill, the electric company is attempting to hold me responsible for upwards of $6,000 because I neglected to remove D from the bill on our home. Apparently they want their money and they don't care where it comes from. Even if it means attempting to collect from an ex wife.
Logically this does not make sense. It doesn't seem that this would be fair practice and I would hope that everything will be resolved without having to pay a dime towards a debt that I never had a part in accumulating.
However, as I think about the situation, I struggle with feelings of resentment. The actual thought of having to pay a hefty electric bill on behalf of my ex-husband who already owes me upwards of $14,000 in back child support seems not only ludicrous, but also almost laughable. It seems unjust that not only do I not receive a dime in support from him, but I should be held accountable for his lack of responsibility regarding paying his bills. As I informed the representative on the phone, I struggle enough with simply keeping up with my own bills, without the added burden of paying for something that D accumulated, unbeknownst to me.
To add insult to injury, I have had to communicate with D as a result of this misunderstanding. Communicating with D is a surefire way to elevate my blood pressure (and level of stress). To his credit, D attempted to convey the nature of the misunderstanding to the electric company. Unfortunately, though, all of his attempts at ridding me of the responsibility were unsucessful.
Speaking with D is something that I avoid at all costs. The reason being that interactions with him foster drama. And drama is something that I find completely unnecessary in my life. In the two phone conversations that I had with D today the following things came up:
-D wants nothing more than to be a father to P (in more ways than just biologically, apparently)
-He's been clean and sober for over four months now (despite him cutting me off and talking a mile a minute during our entire phone conversation)
-He is starting his own business soon (great, self-employed=no wages to garnish, and by the way, where is he getting the funding to jump start this endevour)
-He is very sorry for all of the pain that he caused me and the ruin of our marriage (well, mark the date because that admission probably won't happen again anytime soon)
-He wishes that I would unblock him on my cell phone because he wants to check in on P every now and then to see how he's doing (although I'm not certain why he wants incidental updates about a child that he doesn't even know)
-He wants to see P on Father's Day (except for the operative word there is "father", and not "sperm donor" which means that June 19th doesn't qualify as a national holiday for him)
-He proceed to complain how unfair it was that "dirtbags" get to see their children all of the time and he does not (I had to ask what his definition of dirtbag was, because I'm pretty positive that he fits that description better than anyone else I have ever had the pleasure of knowing)
In the end, these issues will hopefully get resolved and hopefully diminish my level of stress in the process. But, at the very least, I am attempting to abide by the old adage that laughter truly is the best medicine. And hey, like they always say it is far better to laugh than to cry.
