I went to see my counselor two weeks ago; actually the day after I broke things off with J. We spent a lot of time talking about how I had been able to see where things were headed with J, and how it had lead me to end things before they went any further.
If I have learned nothing else from my divorce and everything I went through, I have learned the importance of trusting my instincts. When something doesn't feel right, it simply is not right, no matter how much I wish it were not so. In hindsight, there were several times throughout my brief relationship with J, where I felt "off" about things. I had stifled this feeling and told myself it was fine. I tried to chalk up my uneasiness to:
-not being comfortable being in a relationship because I was so used to being single
-being afraid of getting hurt
-not recognizing a "good guy" because I was so used to dysfunction in relationships
Despite all of the analyzing and reasoning that I tried with myself, in the end I finally came to terms with the simple fact that things were just not quite right. I had to realize that, while J was most certainly a great person and someone who has admirable qualities, he just was not the right one for me.
I discussed my feelings with my counselor and told her about the process of denial that I had gone through before I acknowledged that the relationship needed to end. I told her how I tried to reason with myself that I may have been severly damaged by everything that D put me through, which could potentially cause problems in future relationships. She reminded me that my experiences with my marriage and my relationship with D were things that I went through. I have worked hard to get where I am today. I've seen her on a regular basis. I've read countless books. I've taken time for myself. I've focused on my friendships and on P. I've taken time to heal. All of this has lead me to a good place. A place where I can stand on my own. A place where I know I will never be in an unhealthy relationship again. And, most of all, a place where I can trust myself now, more than ever. And it's a great place to be.
